In Christ Alone

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Signs

It seems like You’re giving me hints and pushing me forward. I’m glad You trust me enough but we both know I’m not ready yet.

But if this is really what You planned, then give me a heart that will love her wholly, help these feelings grow, and help me to be careful with her heart.

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Courageous

It feels like God is tearing me apart layer by layer, showing me each and every ugly, sinful and unsurrendered part of my heart I’ve hidden away from the world to see. And with every passing day, it’s unnerving and bitterly unsettling; I lose my identity, my confidence and who I am that I had spent so long building up.

I know what I had asked for and I know what You want for me. I know Your work is unfinished in me, and that this is going to take awhile. I only ask that with every test You keep me strong, that You’ll truly cast aside my old nature and set my heart aright with you, to be sincere and holy. And should I fall like the many times before, that You’ll catch me, because I can’t afford to lose You, and I don’t have the strength to stand on my own. Grant me the faith which I so desperately need.

And now I will wait upon You, that You will finish your work in me.

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Heart on My Sleeve

i’m not sure if being terribly honest and open is a good idea. Not sure how people take such nakedness either. Perhaps being so laid out, and being so filter-less about things in life makes you a little susceptible to influences that could potentially change your values and harms your perceptions of life. Perhaps I don’t monitor what’s going in and out enough, maybe I don’t give things enough thought about it, just really sitting down and digesting things, reflecting on how it might potentially change me as a person. 

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Reflections on Life Together, Part 1

I must admit that the first chapter of the book was quite a difficult read for me, and it really forced me to re-think alot of things that I had initially planned out to do for my AG.

I guess being an engineer/scientist/mathematician by training, I always liked to have plans, to be organised, and know exactly where I was going; which I found provided me some form of assurance and direction in my life or activity. Even in school, dealing with things like leadership training, organisation and teamwork skills etc, things were easy in the sense that I knew my objectives and I knew exactly what to do and how to get it done.

Taking up this AG was a big struggle because I was seldom a people person, I was someone who was focused on getting things done, and sadly sometimes, getting it done my way. Sure, I knew the importance of and valued my relationships, but perhaps I really never got down to really taking a deep look at my relationships and what they were made of. 

So I did what I knew how to do, which was, plan, and execute. Simple right? I drew up big plans, did my research (ironically some of these books kinda spurred me on in the direction I was taking), talked to people about it, and it kinda seemed like I knew what I was doing. It was kinda laughable because just before I got down to reading this book full proper, I met up with my friend (who had also just started his cell-group in his church) to discuss on our “big plans” for our AGs (He’s a fellow engineer/scientist/mathematician so it was no surprise that we agreed with what we did).

So from hindsight, after reading and hopefully digesting the first chapter, it really laid out my human plans and perceptions bare out for me to see, and it showed me that perhaps I was doing it all wrong, and I had essentially left out the most important part of the equation, which was Christ himself. Sure, my plans was “religous” and Christ centred, but the way and the mindset of doing thing was wrong. I had focused so much on “my plans” and “my promises” to my AG that i never realised how much “I”s there were in my desires/actions for the AG, and how little room i had left for God’s work and God’s providence and leading in the plans for my AG.

It struck me how much emphasis Bonhoeffer placed on Christ, not only as the focus of the community, but in many other, if not all aspects, as well. I never realised how much emphasis I had placed on “my plans”, rather than looking to God to work, and recognising of a part Christ plays in bringing us together, sanctifying our relationships, teaching us how to love, care and edify one another, and being the sole foundation of our community. It was a really big warning to me how much my own desires and my own plans (which might have even seemed innocent and well-intended) could have destroyed the very thing I wanted to build “for God”. Looking back it was kind of foolish to even think of building something without first consulting the builder on what He wanted and how He wanted it built. 

It is my prayer that God will really search my heart and purify my intentions and my actions. Only God knows the thoughts of my mind and the desires of my heart, and I pray that He will align it to His plan and will. As much as this AG has been entrusted to me to lead, I pray that I will always remember that this community that I have been blessed with belongs to God, as is every individual in the community as well. All in all, reading the chapter has made me realise how small and how powerless I am as a person, and how big and how important God and His role is in each and every one of our lives. They were indeed and humbling and enriching lessons that I pray God will help me remember, for now and many years to come.

I’m glad and thankful the Pastor Steven to the time to come down and share on shepherding others, it really put into perspective how serious and committed one must be in the business of shepherding. One important thing that I felt I should remember was that how Pastor, again, placed the emphasis on God. When people came to him with problems, it was not his main job to give advice, or (as an engineer) “fix” things. All he did was listen, and offer support, and most importantly bring the person’s burdens and point the person to God. That i felt as an AG leader was most important, that the AG is focused on God and God alone, and that no matter what happens, God will always be our primary source of faith, strength and comfort.

I’m glad I became an AG leader. Not because of the “power” and responsibilities it brings, but because of how much it allows for God to work in my life. I pray that God will draw me close to Him, and help me to know Him better, and also to trust in Him more and more each day.

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A Love Letter to my AG

To my dearest AG, 

It has been slightly over 3 months that I have been with you, and this time has been  counted blessed and joyful. It has been a pleasure leading you and watching you grow, and sowing the seeds to what would hopefully, one day, be a testimony to God’s grace, and an example of a loving, faithful community, and more importantly, family in Christ.

I know that our time is still young, and there is still much road for us to travel. I cannot promise that this road would be easy, nor would I dare pray that it would be. What I can and will promise is that I will be with you every step of the way, to guide you and lead you, and to watch over you and care for you. I promise to always be a reminder for you to look to Christ our hope, and to help you grow in each of your own walk with Him. I pray that each and every one of you would be able to know Christ deeply and intimately, and to trust in His grace and provisions daily. I promise to carry all of you in prayer, to share your burdens and watch your back. I promise to build my relationships with you, that as we draw close to Christ, may we also all draw close to each other, and grow as a family.

Of course, promises are just promises until they are kept, or broken. As much as I’d like to affirm that I would hold faithful to these promises, I know that I am weak, and I pray that the Lord will see me through and hold me true to these prayers. I hope that similarly, you would remember me and pray for me as well, and that in our concern for each other, our love be built.

I hope that one day I would be able to call you my pride and joy, to see all these brothers and sisters of mine walking close to my Heavenly Father, and to walk beside all of you, on this journey home to the wonderous place of heaven.

My dearest AG, while we have only been there shy 4 months, I am still thankful that I had found you all, or perhaps, you all found me, more than I would know. So I look forward to many more endearing years of love and service together in Christ.

With Love, 

Benjamin

(P.S. I apologise for the weird style of writing, but I thought I’d make it more…dramatic)